Monthly Archives: November 2010
I felt like Cassandra this morning, from the Greek mythology. She could tell the future, but could do nothing about it. I had this vivid dream about my dad, as he was driving me to our old home in his white caprice, smiling and wearing his brown beret cap. It was just my dad and I in the car. The dream was from the first person perspective, and I was looking up at him, as if he was a giant, so I could only surmise that I was much younger in the dream.
Yet, I had all the knowledge of an adult, and I knew that he was not going to be with me anymore. I was a mute in the dream, I didn’t say much, just simply watched him in awe and fascination. I do recall frantically thinking to myself to scramble to find a digital video camera so I could capture the few precious minutes I get to spend with him since the day he passed. Of course it was highly anachronistic to have a digital video camera, given the context and the time in which the dream occurred, so as I am writing this, I will have to settle for looking at his face through pictures and memories.
Then I just woke up, and I don’t quite know how to describe it. It’s like biting into a something bitter sweet. I was happy that I had the opportunity to dream about him, yet bitter that it was merely a dream. I just laid there in shock, not knowing if I wanted to laugh or cry. After about 5 minutes, I realized I had to get up and go to work. It’s what he would of wanted. They’ve instilled a strong work ethic into me, and he would be very bummed if I had my day slightly discombobulated on the account of him. But yeah, I have come to grips with reality that his passing has left a larger crater in me than I initially thought.
phew, I needed it. I went to have a small little picnic with my parents on friday. Took out the lawn chairs, it was pretty cool.
Been spending some quality bonding time with my mom. Think we’ll go cruising monthly in our outings, as she told me she loves the full moon. So during full moons
we’ll try to drive top down to go check it out and have dinner.
I also found out my dad wrote me a little note. My mom found it while cleaning up stuff, it was as if he just sent a little reminder to me. It was pretty touching, I think It’s a brilliant idea really. I should write letters to my parents (yeah I still say parents, I guess I don’t think my dad has left me at all, I know he’s floating about somewhere watching over me), and to my friends. How cool would that be to get a letter from someone that has passed away, months later? Well I guess it would be pretty sad at first. I basically teared up in the parking lot of my work place when my mom told me dad wrote me something.
But once you get over it, it’s pretty nifty, you get to hear or read from them one more time. Anyways, nothing morbid or anything in these thoughts, just think it would be neat if more people did it, or if more people had the foresight to do it. I guess when you have cancer, you sort of know whats coming, though you fight and struggle with it, it’s not an immediate death sentence, but it is statistically stacked against you. Not many people can choose when they go, let alone know that it’s coming, so I guess at times there is no time. It just happens, and we the living are left with a void and move on with our brief lives.
ahh, ok I’ll write about something happier next time. Promise!