No more Pain
I’m writing this so I can remember it. I started this journal almost 2 years ago when I discovered my dad had Cancer. As of 17:13, on Wednesday, May 19th, 2010. My daddy, lost his battle, and has passed away. I can only wish that he is at peace and is in no more pain. Everywhere I go, and everything that see reminds me of him. I guess that is a testament to how great of a father he is to me.
Due to complications with an infection, combined with a weakened state from chemotherapy treatments, my father’s body was too weak to go into surgery. Dialysis would also be considered, but that would of been too much strain on his system as well, so the Dr.s suggest to the family to make him comfortable. I was with him for his last 48hrs, standing vigil, and cradling him throughout. I told him I love him very much, and kissed him profusely. Thanking him for being such a great dad, for working so hard. For doing everything so he could provide for me and our family. Driving me to school when it was an hour away. Teaching me how to drive, helping me with my homework. Soo many numerous things. My mom told me a story when I was born in Vietnam, since he was one of the chief medical staff in this hospital, he cordoned off a whole area in the medical ward for me. I was 3 months premature, and he stood vigil, and was there by my side, not letting anyone go near me to protect me from illness. I thought of that story, as I stood…sat…and laid there next to him. I was his ‘con kinh’ or translated. ‘favorite little son that he holds dear to his heart’.
I knew it was time, when his breathing rate slowed, and his pulse weakened. I just held on, cried, and told him I love him. The angels are here to take you dad. Don’t be afraid, I am here by your side always. I promised him I would hand him to the angels by myself and hold his hands when it is time for him to go. He was a fighter. When we disabled the medicine that was keeping his heart rate up, he went into a tachycardic state. 150, 200, 220 beats..sustained…for hours. We thought his heart wouldn’t be able to handle it that long, but he held on for I believe 6 hours in that state. My only regret.. is maybe..just maybe he would be able to handle that dialysis. I don’t know. But the infection in his stomach area was bad, so he would of been in a lot of pain. I think it was for the best. He is in a place with no more pain. No more suffering. No more sorrow. I only wish I can hear him say let me kiss you on the cheek. Then he would ask me to switch cheeks as he kissed me again because he says he doesn’t want me to be crooked. After wards, I kissed him, and gave him both of my cheeks.
I also regret, and I think it was more for his sake than ours that he would be allowed to talk. He was intubated so he was unable to speak. When I held his hands he would squeeze, or move his feet, and when he tried to speak, the tube prevented it. Maybe he was telling us in his head and in his heart. I just wish he could be able to talk to us. I whispered to his ear a lot, but …yeah… It’s done now. It is a process that I knew I would have to face. I am very grateful that I got to spend an extra 2years with him. It came and went within a blink of an eye. I still hear voices, and ringing in my head from all the hospital equipment. I think the adrenaline has worn off, but I’m in a state of shock still. Driving is hard, going through my garage is hard. The constant reminders is difficult, but cathartic.
I’m now wearing his favorite beanie, and asked my mom for two of his favorite jackets. My kid will have a middle name of Binh. I promised my dad that in his last days. It seemed like the day before, 76hrs ago, I was explaining to him about the internet, and he was asking me questions about how it worked. Oh daddy. I love you.
Funeral arrangements were handled this morning.
I have a note, an mp3 player, and a few pictures I want to give to my dad.
I think I’ll also give him his scarf. As much as I would love to keep it. He always loved to be toasty.
I want to thank my friends and family for being very supportive. I want to thank the staff at Fountain Valley Regional Hospital. Especially ICU-18.
I want to thank all the Dr’s that took care of him. I want to thank my mom. And I want to thank my Dad again. For being the bestest Dad in the whole wide world!
I hope you’re eating all the coconuts you want up in Heaven.
I miss and love you very much.
Thank you for teaching me how to drive, and reading stories to me.
Thank you for working very hard so you could provide for you family.
Thank you for fixing things when they were broken.
Thank you for teaching me discipline. You are the smartest man that I know.
And I hope to make you proud of me.