Well, there are a few moments in life that have pretty much shook me to the core. To be exact, there were 6 instances in all 30 years of my life, and I guess 4 of them involve my dad.
The first instance was in sixth grade, when my grandfather passed away. Mind you my father was a very strong, stern, and smart man, and I’ve never ever seen him shed a tear. However, the day he passed away, I remember peeking in the doorway of his room, and he was sitting there on the chair, just sobbing uncontrollably in the dark. It scared me quite a bit actually, because in my mind back then. This indomitable tree, has been shaken. And that pretty much shook me up good, as well because up to that point, and even ever since, I have never seen him so vulnerable.
The 2nd instance, well, was somewhat related to the first. It was well, when my grandfather died. I was his favorite grand kid, in addition, it was the first death in the family for me. That’s always going to be etched in your mind.
The 3nd time, well that was when my mom had a mastectomy for uterine cancer. That scared me out of my wits.
The 4rd time, well that was when they found out my dad had colon cancer, and the dr. gave him six months because it metastasized towards his liver, and they noticed spots in his lungs. That really shook me.
The 5th, well was when he just looked soo frail in the ICU, he had sepsis, his heart stopped and they called code blue in the ICU. Though, as scary as that sounds to be honest it sucked, but I think after #3, my mind mentally sort of prepared for it. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments where I’d leave the hospital and just cry in the dark in the parking lot, just sitting in my car. But somehow, I was content i knowing, well..it was bonus time, so I really can’t complain.
The 6th instance..well that was tonight when I came in the hospital. I guess my mom somewhat warned me earlier, but today his bp dropped pretty low. So maybe he didn’t have enough blood flow to the brain, causing slight dementia, or perhaps it was the 2 weeks of constant morphine + some extra for the road. Well either that or the fever a few days, but he was loopy, confused and disoriented. He did recognize me, but at some points when I asked him, he thought he was on a ladder, or at the gas station, and he kept asking me to open the window. Mind you, this is one of the smartest men I know. And I’m not saying that because well, he’s my dad, and all kids think their dads are uber smart. He actually throughout my entire life, backed up his $h!t. (well, with the exception of computers, but you can’t win em all). In terms of math, science, engineering(mechanical), and medicine, he really had all his wits about him. Well to hear him be just so disoriented, just completely blew my mind. Like… Wow…this can’t be. This towering giant, in my mind, reduced to a babbling, confused, fragile person in front of me. I just pretty much had to stay there really late. I had to make sure he didn’t pull on his tubes and yank things out, because he wanted to go home, or wondered where he was. It was just a big mess. I did ask him some basic questions: who am I. What is 1 + 1, etc, and he seemed to be able to answer, but then he’d lapse into a different state, and I’m not sure if it’s just too many drugs in his system. All I know is, yikes.
I think even the nurse told me I need to get some sleep n go home! So yeah, in thirty years…I’ve had 6 instances….Which isn’t bad I think. Some people have much more. There’s two slots, pre-reserved for instances that I hope stay far far away, and not occur for a very long time. And I have been very very fortunate for none of my friends to bite the dust, so all you fools better be healthy!