The woods is a dark, large, and lonely place
The phrase not out of the woods yet. Really sucks. So far everyone has been asking how my father has been, and I guess the only thing I can say at this point is ‘he is still alive’. And we are taking it day by day. He’s on 4 different types of antibiotics in hopes that they can fully identify the bug and fight the bacteria that is wreaking havoc on his system. It caused necrosis on his large intestines thus far. They hope it doesn’t spread to his heart and lungs, and are keeping him open so they can inspect and do another cleanup on or before Thursday. That’s three surgeries within a span of a week. His heart and body is just really really tired at this point. Today when I visited him, he’s swollen up. It was ironic, because he was so swollen he reminded me when he was young. Strong and virbrant. But it was only a facade. He’s still fighting.
They gave him more morphine for the pain, and I think at one point when I visited him today, he opened eyes, and reached out his hands. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to hold his hand, but he reached out for my hand grasped it and then placed it back down and fell back to sleep. So I stood there, not wanting to move or to wake him up. His hand felt warm (due to the fever), but despite him being the sick one. I felt like a complete child at that moment. Just like a father, holding onto his sons hand, despite him being sick and fighting for his life. I was the one that felt sheltered. And I just stood there, not wanting to move, for fear of waking him up. I thought to myself, I’d stand there all night if I have to. But within 10 or so minutes he shifted and his hands slipped away from mine. It was a very very surreal moment. I told him if he’s tired and wants to go, go ahead. I’m here. But I did ask him to please fight this because mom and I don’t quite want him to go yet.
Been listening to the Placebo version of Kate Bush’s song a lot. These lyrics particularly run through my head.
“…If I only could
Make a deal with God.
And I get him to swap our places.
I’ll be running up that road,
running up that hill
running up that building…”